Oh I went I went a fishin'...

...On a hot summer day. I went fishing outside of Alaska for the first time a couple Saturdays ago. I have mixed feelings about the event overall (spoiler: I got sunburned all to crap, again) but it was a lot of fun. Actually, we did more than just fish. We also rode horses.

This is Milo showing obvious signs of inattention.

Apparently it's a "horse thing" that they need to be retaught to be good little obedient horses on their first ride every year after the long winter break. Unfortunately, winter lasted until August with the horses that we were riding. It was a pretty short trip once Aubrey found out about this. Also, I'm pretty sure Milo was so excited that he forgot to eat breakfast, because he would keep stopping to eat at whatever plants were around. At one point he pulled up an entire plant that was about two feet tall and was carrying it around with us.He then stopped in the middle of the road while we were crossing it and stopped responding to any and all commands/nudges. We didn't get hit by any cars though, as the car that came speeding around the corner saw us in time to slow down and stop.

My first Utah catch. I named him "Butch" (not really).

 But anyway, after I almost died thanks to a horse (which, based on my past experience means I'm maintaining an average of 66% for my life to be seriously threatened any time I get on a horse) we went fishing. We were up in the Uintas, so we went to this giant reservoir named "Starvation" of all things. Rumor has it there's some serious fishes up there, but we sure didn't see any. I don't want to overstate the obvious, but fishing for widdle fishes is a lot different than fishing for salmon. The biggest difference between salmon and these little perch was that I couldn't ever really tell if they were hooked or not. Many, many times I would see my bobber bobbing around, I'd give it a yank, it would continue to move around...yank...still moving...and I'd reel it in only to find that most of my bait was gone. Two of those many times, this very same thing would happen but a very tiny fish happened to be on the end of my line, looking confused. Silly fish, not even enough sense to fight it (or enough weight to be noticeable, which would have been nice).

But we did have a great time. We've certainly got a little bit of the fishing bug. we wanted to go again this past weekend of it didn't work out. We'll definitely get back out there before school starts. 

Aubrey's grandpa Larry. A mountain man if there ever was one.

Aubrey's dad and grandma Patsy.

 Note: The presence of cowboy hats in some pictures does not mean that Aubrey or I ever wore cowboy hats. I feel like this needs to be stated somewhere.

Not that I needed convincing...

Now that my readership is to an all-time low, I've decided to write again.

A lot has changed in the last few months, but we can discuss that later. Today I want to talk about a little town called Fairbanks. The Fairbanks in Alaska. The Fairbanks that I've never had any desire to visit.

CoolWife and I are in Alaska right now. We've had a wonderful time traveling, seeing the sights, eating tasty foods, and hanging out with my parents (photos probably to come). But we sure didn't go to Fairbanks, and one little conversation pretty much sealed the deal for me that I shouldn't bother for the rest of my life.

While we were visiting Denali National Park, Aubrey and I were checking out some gift shops near our hotel. (Also near the hotel: The Salmon Bake. Go there.) One of the shops had something to do with a Fairbanks Bowl Company, which sells overpriced wooden bowls and hires insane people to work at their stores.

"Wait!", you say? "What's this talk of insane people?", you ask? Keep reading.

First I'll set the scene. The store has shelves that go to the ceiling along the walls, and a few rows of waist-high shelves through the middle of the shop. The shop itself is only about 30ft by 60ft or so. We walk in, and after seeing the price tag on the first item by the door I've decided that there's no way I was going to buy something there. But CoolWife likes to look in shops, so we began making our way slowly through the winding rows of merchandise.

After about 30 seconds, the girl manning (or girling) the store comes out from her counter and tells us that everything in the shop was made in Fairbanks, and if we went there, we could see it ourselves. My face must have betrayed my thoughts ("Fairbanks? No frikkin' way.") because she called me out on having frowned when she talked about Fairbanks. I told her that we weren't planning on going to Fairbanks.

Sales Girl: Why wouldn't you go to Fairbanks?
Me: Well, I've never really had the desire.
SG: Are you from around here?
Me: I'm from Anchorage, well, Eagle River actually.
SG: THAT'S why. You've just never been and you don't know what good things are there. First, there's Chena Hot Springs, there's not so many people as there are in Anchorage, and it's pretty much a jumping off point for the wilderness if that's your thing (this last part about "my thing" was said condescendingly).
Me: Hmmmm....

Firstly, the hot springs aren't in Fairbanks, they're another 55 miles north of Fairbanks. If the #1 attraction for your town is another hour out of the way, you might want to restructure your argument. Secondly, I prefer to live in urban areas, and lastly, which city in Alaska isn't a jumping off point to the wilderness? At this point I felt pretty validated about not having been to Fairbanks.

She must have sensed my good feelings, because she sure didn't stop there.

Sales Girl: Yeah, it's not like Eagle River, you can just go off by yourself in the woods and no one will bother you. And if you get lost and die out there...Eh, you're biodegradable.
Me, not altogether sure I heard that last part right: Oh really? So no one will come looking for you?
Sales Girl: Oh no, we'll just leave you out there to die.

This is the point where I got really nervous and figured we should probably get out of there soon. I decided to go for a "diffuse the situation" tactic instead of just running for the door. Also, CoolWife is still with me but not saying anything at all to help me out; she's just enjoying the show.

Me: Oh...well...I lived with a few guys from Fairbanks in college (three, to be exact), they were all really cool guys. They only had good things to say about the place.
Clearly Insane Sales Girl: Where was this?
Me: Idaho.
SG: Yeah, you don't really count has a true Fairbanks Person until you've left Fairbanks and come back. So their opinion probably didn't count.
Me: Oh? Well...they liked it....
SG: Also, winters in Fairbanks are way worse than Idaho or Anchorage. If it's too cold for your car to start, that's just your car's fault.
Me: (Now moving towards the door) Well, I guess you can't plug in every car to make sure they start (I was referring to engine bloc heaters, I just assumed she would know what I meant there).
SG: Also, going to Anchorage counts as leaving Fairbanks.
Me: Right.... Well, bye!
SG: Be sure to visit our store in Fairbanks when you go! If you go....

(Now outside)

Me: Holy crap!
CoolWife: WOW!!! That was amazing! Sorry I didn't have your back in there, but that was hilarious!

At this point, I feel like I should stick up for Idaho a little bit. Rexburg is actually very much like Fairbanks. It's small, really far away from anything worthwhile, and the winter does suck pretty hard. However, those aren't exactly the selling points. Fairbanks appears to embrace those traits. So if you're looking for cold and miserable nine months out of every twelve in a place where your friends and neighbors really will leave you out in the wilderness to die, Fairbanks is your place!

Also, if you ever find yourself in need of a good lawyer that won't cannibalize their own argument, don't ask around at Fairbanks Bowl Company.

Ideal Thanksgiving

Things have been getting spicy up in the CoolBoy clan about the holidays. By "The Holidays" I mean Christmas and Thanksgiving. Not trying to exclude anyone here, just making the distinction. And I'm sure people who don't celebrate both/either holiday can relate to family being complicated and weird holiday fantasies, which is what this post is about. To clarify, this post is not about how my Dad can't just make his own blog to entertain himself with so he doesn't periodically (and arbitrarily) decide he's the internet police and harass people about not posting enough. It would be rude of me to call someone out like that. (Also: Dude. If you want someone to blog consistently, they have to be paid for it. Take that however you want.)

Anyway, looks like my parents will be here for Christmas this year and will be staying with Aubrey and I! We're quite honored to have them staying at our apartment. We're going to have our own little tree and everything so it will be nice and festive. I think Aubrey might even quilt up a tree skirt as well as sew up some curtains for the 2nd bedroom because she's awesome like that. There's also a pretty good chance they'll be sleeping in our bed while we take on an inflatable mattress for the week. Unless of course they want to buy us a house for Christmas. This would solve the bed issue. Until then, we're cool with just changing the sheets for them. Aubrey would sleep on the floor if I would let her. She says it feels good on her back or something. I don't buy it.

I hope our place won't be too small for them. I'm pretty sure we've already warned them that the bathroom door doesn't lock. Not that it matters, since the toilet is back crammed in behind a little wall by the dryer and intruders would only be able to see your knees (note to self: investigate potential of using dryer door as footrest while going to the bathroom).

True to form, my parents are coming for one reason: Grandbabies. You read it here first, my parents will do anything if it means quality time with their spawn's spawn (except move nearby). This is all fine by me, but there have been a few ruffled feathers about the logistics of everything. This is also fine by me. If grandparents are here to visit grandchildren, and grandchildren are visited, that makes the trip (by definition) a success.

This just about brings me to the point of this post. Amid so much kerfuffle about Christmas, Thanksgiving was getting skipped over. Aubrey asked me two night ago what the ideal Thanksgiving would be. I then saw a vision. It was awesome. Fortunately it was dark and she couldn't see the far-off look in my eye at the time. I'll tell you what I saw.

1) Aubrey and I.
2) My family (meaning my parents, their children, children-in-law, and grandchildren)
3) Aubrey's family (meaning her parents, siblings, and grandparents who want to come)
4) Barack Obama and his family (meaning his wife and daughters).
5) A Turducken
6) Everyone listed above eating the Turducken and having a grand time together.

I already know what you're going to ask: What's a Turducken? Turd? Really? A turd for Thanksgiving? A Turducken is not a turd. It is a chicken stuffed into the cavity of a duck stuffed into the cavity of a turkey. I've always really wanted to try one of these. I think they're kind of expensive though, so we might also invite Alton Brown to make sure we cook it right. We would also have another whole turkey or two and a turkey breast for those white meat people. We're talking like 26+ people here, so I hope this will be enough so that everyone gets as much as they want and still have plenty for leftover turkey+brie+cranberry sauce sandwiches on fancy bread on Friday.

Each family unit should bring sides and stuff (I'm providing the birds, as well as funeral potatoes, and a can of cranberry sauce for decoration. Someone else will have to bring the sauce to eat). Brie and fancy bread is a must. Piemakers should make pies. Green salads are preferred over other salads, but a nice noodle one without olives would probably be nice. No salads with marshmallows will be allowed. Something else made of potatoes sounds appropriate. You get the picture. I will tell the Obamas ahead of time that while bringing us some nice wine with their other contributions would be very kind, we would prefer that they brought the white house bowling alley. Or a ton of Izze Juices. It's up to them.

This is the point in writing when I realize that everything in my ideal Thanksgiving is family and food-related. I suppose there will be some activities of some sort. Ideally, I won't be in charge of them, or have to participate if I don't want to. I'll have Cortney check on movies coming out that weekend. Is it cool if I just send the Obama's invite to the white house? Who's done this before? Also, should I tell Barack about the bathroom door on the phone when he RSVP's or just let him know when they get here?

Postgraduate

Observant readers might have noticed my earlier note about my intention to go into the Food Science industry. Or at the very least, I've changed my major to Food Science. Following such, I've received the question, "What is that?" or something like it from many people. Wikipedia says:

Food science is a study concerned with all technical aspects of food, beginning with harvesting or slaughtering, and ending with its cooking and consumption. It is considered one of the life sciences, and is usually considered distinct from the field of nutrition.

I'll add that it's basically Organic Chemistry with a food orientation. More specifically, the preservation, development, and enhancement of foods (making it so people will want to eat it). This branches out pretty wide, including those who want to make food more transportable/sustainable for those or need it, and those who want to make a food as delicious as possible as to make lots of money of it. I would want to be more of that first group. But either way, as the Western Diet gets worse and people start to freak out about it more, people will (ironically) look to food producers for answers. This means that the industry will continue to grow.

This leads me to my next point: There is currently a 100% job placement rate among food science graduates at all universities (excepting those who go on to graduate studies or professional programs) with high demand for more. Those with a Bachelors degree make at least $50k/yr to start plus benefits. Those with a Masters are around $70k/yr, and PhD's are about $90k/yr. And that's just to start. Did you catch that, Mom? No one will be starving to death.

So while all that is nice, what do I plan to do with it? I'm not too sure at the moment, to tell the truth. I know it sounds fascinating and that I'd rather be part of the "Good Guys" than The Man. But I simply don't know enough about it yet to make a decision. I'll working on some career research and talking to the professors over the summer while things are low-key. Hopefully I'll have an answer for that soon.

Now that I've gotten all that out there, I've received some suggestions of other careers I might pursue. I'll list and address them here.

Doctor/PA: You know, I'm really not sure about this one. I like the idea, but I'm just not sure. Either way, Food Science is a great major for pre-Meds and if I do really well, I'm going to apply for Med School anyhow. I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not making it my focus anymore.

Finance: While being a high-roller businessman seems pretty glamorous, I'm pretty glad to have given it up. This doesn't seem very attractive anymore.

Join Air Force and become a lawyer: I'm not really sure how this one came up. But I'm thinking no.

Become Large Animal Veterinarian, move to Oregon and start practice with my brother. We'll call it "H****** & H******" or maybe even "Kick @$$ Vets." There would probably be a show on Animal Planet about us. Of those listed, this one sounds the most promising as an alternative. High demand, good pay, lots of time outdoors. Not to mention all the time with cute, fuzzy farm animals! I only just recently discovered that horses get all furry in the wintertime! How cool is that? They're like giant puppies!!!

Year One

But not the movie. As of today I've officially been back from my mission to the Dominican Republic for one full year. I am neither engaged nor married, which I'm a bit proud of (but I will admit I'm tired of living with a bunch of dudes).

Let's take a look of how far I've got in the past year:

Dependence of Parents
Days spent living with my parents: 21
Money regularly accepted from parents: I think only when I get sick...
Times gotten sick: like 5

Finances
Jobs: 3
Current wage: Less than I made when I was 16
Monthly bills to pay: 4 (soon to be 3, faster internet isn't worth it)
Student loans: None. Thanks Dad, you're The Man
Cars in my name: 1

Professional life/Fame
Paying photography gigs: 3, soon to be 4
Copyright offices I work in: 1
Irony that I work in a copyright office: Great
Copyright Infringement investigations preformed: 1
Irony that I have conducted an infringement investigation: Endless
Times been a voiceover: 1
Times mentioned in Wikipedia: 1
Times I've wished I could be on Fresh Air and meet Teri Gross: Many

Culinary Achievement
Chocolate Icing recipes perfected: 1
Times I've cooked for my roommates: 10ish
Times I've gotten Brett to say "Mmm!": 1
Times made chocolate covered pretzels: 2
Times I made chocolate Andes cookies for the people I home teach only to find that one of my roommates took big bites out of them, causing me to completely lose my temper: 1
How funny that was for lookers-on: 9 out of 10

Education
Degree Programs accepted into: None - curse you, mono
GPA: Like 3.5 - again, mono is the devil
Years of college remaining: At least 3

Living situation
Roommates married off: 1 - and thank goodness, he was kinda weird
Black Sleep-talking roommates: 1
White wiggles-feet-while-sleeping roommates: 1
White only-sleeps-when-the-sun-is-up roommates: 1
Arguments about the A/C daily: at least one
How much this bothers me: None
Washers, Dryers, and Dishwashers in my apt: None
How much this bothers me: A bit
Foosball tables in apartment:1
How much this bothers me: A lot
Whispered, whimpering, conversations Brett has had on the phone with his girlfriend while I'm trying to sleep this week alone: 2
How much this bothers me: Less than the Foosball table, but it's still pretty odd.

Political Involvement:
Presidential Elections survived: 1
Times wished Sarah Palin would just go home and do her job again: Any time I hear her name
Worth of BYU student elections: -$Whatever the budget is

Literary Accomplishment
Fiction Books read: 6.5 (sorry Golden Compass...I got bored)
# of those about Zombies: 1
# of books I've read due to obligation of honor and conscience and not being a dirty liar-pants: 3
Nonfiction books read: 6
Papers written for class: 3
Blog posts written: 21
Blog posts written while at work: 21
Books checked out from library without reading them: 5 (I promise I'll read The 13th Tale one of these days...)

Relationships
Dates been on: several, but not as many as I'd like
Girls never called back: 2...oops
Women with hurt feelings: 1 (totally not my fault)
# dates with blondes ever: 0, I'm really not sure why this is
Relationships been in: 2
# of those that were totally weird and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place: 1
# of those girls that are now on missions: 1
# of those girls that is in my ward and everyone still thinks we're going out anyway (yet she gets asked out and hit on by guys in the ward...backstabbers): 1
# of times that girl stepped on a cupcake and made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants while laying on the sidewalk:1

Ethan & Savannah
Times I've babysat los sobrinos: a lot, in fact, I might be sitting on them tonight...I don't remember....
Times I've kissed their butts like their aunts do: None
Times I've wiped their butts: Too many
Times been made a total sucker by sobrinos: Too many to count
Times punched Savvy in the mouth on accident: 1
Planned dates with Savvy once I can drive my car: 1

Travel:
Concerts attended out of state: 1
Times almost bought ticket to China: 1
Times almost bought ticket to Hawaii: 1
Times almost bought ticket to Alaska: 1
Times almost drove to Texas: 1

Missionary Work
Times I've called/written old investigators: 0
Times volunteered at the MTC: 0
Times meant to volunteer at the MTC: at least 200, I even get the emails every week and it's like a free guilt fest every time
Times reviewed a few mission letters: 2
Days thought about mission at least once in past year: 365
Mission friends married: Kind of a lot, like 15+, several of which got home after I did
Mission friends that I see regularly: 0, but I have had lunch with Wilkins a couple times

Random
Extremely sexy bicycles owned: 1
Accidents on said bike: 1
Drugs done: 3 - Prednisone (A+), Lortab (B- takes forever to kick in), Percocet (D-)
Pron looked at in the shadows while no one was around: None
Times missed church:1
Times wanted to leave during Priesthood because it's so boring: probably around 25
Shows that I've become addicted to and spent hours watching: 4 - House M.D., The Office, Lost, Arrested Development
Hours spent playing video games instead of reading or exercising or cooking or going on a date: None of your business
Completely random and inconsistent chastity talks received from sisters: 1

How much I enjoyed it: Immensely
Number of time I'd be willing to repeat it: None

Happy Independence Day!

Ah, the 4th of July, a holiday that will forever remind me of my time as a Mormon missionary in the Dominican Republic. I officially became a missionary on July 5th (Three years yesterday!) but went to Utah to go to the Missionary Training Center on the 4th. So that 4th as well as the following pair of 4ths were all spent as a missionary away from my family.

How about a little recount of my past four 4ths?

Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
Half of this day was spent on an airplane (which is among my least favorite ways to pass the time) and the rest at a friend of mine's family reunion. I hadn't met any of those people before, nor have I seen any of them since. It took place in a place called Payson reached its pinnacle with the "Col-de-Sac of Fire!" extravaganza. It consisted of what I'm guessing was $2000 worth of Wal-Mart firecrackers that didn't leave the ground, but were still kinda neat.

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
In my mission, Wednesdays are days known as Preparation Day to missionaries. It's the day that missionaries do things like go shopping, email the family, play sports, and (in my case) take a few naps. This particular P-day fell on the 4th, so I decided that I was going to grill up some steak for my companion Elder Aquino, a Dominican who had never had steak before. It was amazing, but turns out the reason he had been feeling so bad the past several days was because he had Dengue Fever. So the rest of the day and every day until Monday were spent at the hospital or the Mission President's house.

At one point that evening I asked President Thomas if he needed anything done and he told me that I could wash the mission van. Washing that nappy van was one of the greatest experiences of my mission. It was incredibly soothing. I think the only thing that could have beat it was mowing the lawn. I also spent some time talking to Prez about future career ideas, he had a lot to say about it. Good times.

Friday, July 4th, 2008 (leap year threw the day off)
This was 6 days before I went home. I was burned out. Like...meat that fell into the fire and comes back looking like a hockey puck burned out. I don't recall most of that day, but I do remember that I did a baptismal interview that had been very poorly planned by some guys in my district so Elder Williams and I ended up getting home very late. However, in the interest of being festive, we made a stop at my favorite hot dog place from the year before. And I'm sure that night before bed we spent some time listening to Williams' Kenny G cd. So Good.

Saturday, July 5th, 2009
Highlights:
Getting to sleep in
Missing the parade
Having tasty food and hanging out with my family
Whipping up a replacement black bean and corn salsa super-fast
GH letting me light the firecrackers he bought
Contributing to Savvy's coin collection so she could get her first-ever Cotton Candy
Kicking trash at a card game I hadn't played since I was 10
Seeing fireworks for the first time in 3 years

Lowlights:
Missing the Hot Air Balloon festival
Nemesis forgetting the awesome bean and corn salsa she spent all morning on at home.
Accidently elbowing Savvy in the mouth, hard causing her to bite her tongue really hard, shriek horribly, and bleed a lot. Turns out I jump when I get a wet willy.
The Stadium of Fire fireworks that we saw from the park were actually pretty weak

It's amazing how not-alike these four days are. Hopefully I can keep it up!